


And just like always, he chooses to avoid it.

by somebodysomeplace1



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eddie Diaz is Bad at Feelings (9-1-1 TV), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28446009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1
Summary: "Man you guys are idiots." Eddie hears her mumble under her breath "I'm talking about you and Buck." and by the tone in her voice, it should've been the most obvious thing in the world.Eddie already knows where this conversation is headed, so instead he decides to play dumb."What? We're just friends."
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Carla Price, Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz & Carla Price, Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Carla Price, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 147





	And just like always, he chooses to avoid it.

**Author's Note:**

> There is some swearing in this, but I hope you enjoy!!

Maybe it wasn't meant to be,

“I don’t think this is going to work out.”

And quite frankly in his mind he knew it would come down to this. Although he can’t help but admit that he had been dreading it. Trying to avoid every thought in him that screamed: unstable. Not because he was someone who tried to avoid conflict or that he passed a side eye towards things that he knew himself was not the right idea, but because truly, somewhere in his heart, Eddie too had wished that maybe they were meant to be.

They had be through a lot. Him and Shannon. They went to the same high school, dated, all of those things that you could have possibly imagined that you would encounter with someone who you love.

There had also come a point where things had changed. A shift in his head that he wasn't so sure of, that when he had that thought in his head he would try so hard to avoid it.

Avoid it. Avoid it. Avoid it.

Shannon too had noticed and Eddie had picked up on it by the way that she would stay around more to the point where it was like she was waiting for him to talk to her. Truly, however, he can't exactly pinpoint why he started slipping away. Why he decided to enlist, why he was so afraid of becoming a father, why every time that they would spend together there was always this thought in his head where things are supposed to be different.

But he avoided that feeling, just like he always does. And for a long time it had worked. The two went on to have a child, have a house, and eventually be a happy family. It made Eddie believe that that feeling inside of him was just a mere image of what it is like to have doubts in a relationship.

Until the thoughts came back. The feelings came back. The doubt came back.

They towered over him leaving no space for argument or avoidance because they got louder, and louder and louder, until he couldn't avoid it anymore.

There had been sleepless nights wondering where things went wrong and if there is a possible fix. But deep down in his heart he too knew that it was not going to work out.

Quite honestly, Eddie just finds it worse that they both thought the same.

She had brought many things into his life. She brought him happiness, joy with everything that they would do, and their beautiful child Christopher who he wouldn’t trade for the world. And despite not knowing what would happen and the worries of being parents early on in life, she was always there to assure him about everything that he wasn't so sure of because that was the woman she was. That was the type of person that she was; and always will be.

But just like always, somethings have to come to a point of the unthinkable, and it's not because either of them truly wanted to or that they hated each other in indiscernible ways because they honestly love each other deeply. Eddie knows that he will always love her, it may be in a way that may not make sense, but he knows that no matter what happens, his relationship with her and everything that they had encountered together will always have a place in his heart that is kept sacred

So when she had passed it did break him.

"I'm leaving again."

He remembers driving to his abuela’s from the hospital. Remembering how tears were filled within his eyes that it gave him a headache, but he kept on driving; kept on moving just like he always does. What hurt him was the look on his son’s face. When he’d buried his head into his shoulder, crying because of what he had told him. He remembers taking them home, and then to bed.

But he also remembers the days that followed after. Which of course had been hard. But through all of it, through every second of his grief, he never batted an eye at the way that people were staring at him.

Shannon may not have been the person he was meant to spend his whole life with, and to that there is a range of things that could mean one thing, but now he feels as though he should be so sure of things.

Although now is probably not the best time to be thinking about all of this especially when he isn't alone.

And just like always, he chooses to avoid it.

“Eddie?”

Looking down at the beer that he has been nursing for the past few minutes, starting to pick at the paper, he raises an eyebrow. 

“Mmm.” He places his half-empty beer bottle on the dining table in front of them. Sitting back into the couch, he allows himself to fall deeply within it. Becoming one with the object. And Buck does the same.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours Eds?” Buck questions when he doesn’t give that much of an response.

“Nothing.”

Buck allows a grin on his face as he tilts his head to the side, giving him a knowing look.

And he knowingly glares back too.

"Nothing, I swear." he's assuring himself more than anything.

Talking about your ex-wife doesn't really seem like something you should do with your best friend. Not that Eddie doesn't trust Buck because he trusts him with just about everything, one part being that there is no one else that he trusts more with his son than him. Although to be honest, Eddie isn't entirely sure why all of these thoughts about his past relationship are ruminating through his brain.

With the help of those around him he was able to move on in a certain way, Eddie supposes. But maybe he hasn't? Maybe he has? He knows that he isn't in love with Shannon anymore, but he can't help but wonder what this leaves for him and his future.

So putting all those thoughts aside, he decides to focus on the task at hand: Buck.

"Are you planning on staying the night." voice just quiet enough so that only the two of them can hear.

Buck looks up, as though he really has to think of his answer. But Eddie knows that his answer is-

"Yes." and it doesn't surprise him one bit "But if I am." squirting his eyes as he gives Eddie a pointed look "I'm gonna need a few more blankets. The last time I slept here, I swear there was a couch indent in my back the next day."

Eddie let's a chuckle escape his.

"You can be so dramatic sometimes." shaking his head as he gets up from the couch "I hope you know that."

Buck's eyes widen as he follows Eddie down the hall. "I'm the dramatic one?" by the tone in his voice, it was more suggesting that Eddie is dramatic, but he fiends to admit it

He nods his head in response. "Yep." already reaching in the closet to grab a few extra blankets for Buck to sleep on. "Everyone knows that."

Buck grabs the blankets from his hands, starting to pile them within his arms.

"I'll have you know Edmundo." he starts as he makes his way back to the living room. Once he arrives, he places the blankets down on the couch. When he looks back up, his gaze falls to Eddie. A tint of red evident in his cheeks, offering a warm smile. "I am not dramatic. I am just expressive."

Eddie furrows his eyebrows at him. "What's the difference?" Because what is the difference?

"One is being so-called extra."

Eddie rolls his eyes at him, smile creeping at the corner of his lips, but he decides to not argue it.

It stays silent for a moment and Eddie takes the time to truly look of the other man in front of him.

Buck lays out the blankets across the couch, fluffing it out so that it can be comfy enough for a nearly thirty year old man to sleep on, and if Eddie's being honest it's nice to see him like this: happy.

But he always likes seeing Buck happy.

"I'm gonna head to bed now." Eddie said, breaking the silence as he makes his way out the living room "Good night Buck." the other man looks up at him, him too wearing tired eyes.

"Good night Eds."

He smiles up at the other man and he smiles back. Leaving to go down the hall to his own room.

As he closes the door to his bedroom, he stands in front of his bed for a moment; trying to put his finger on what is it that is holding him back. What is it that makes it so hard for him to know what to do?

Pulling the cover up to slip into bed, he allows his back to press against the soft sheets underneath him, letting tiredness take over him. For a moment, his thoughts shift to Buck- which happens quite often- but he doesn’t question it every single time that he does. 

He knows that he likes him; that isn’t hard to see or to tell. So why does he try so hard to avoid every feeling in him that screams excitement when they are together.

And just like always, he avoids it.

\---

"Buck!"

Eddie smiles at the beaming excitement in his son's voice from down the hallway, from what he supposes is the living room.

The clock to his bedside read 6:27am. Which isn't unusual.

So getting up at the curiosity to see his son, he makes is way down the hall.

And when he does, he would be lying if he said there isn't a smile plastered across his face. Standing in the living room is Buck with a cheerful Chris up and hanging over his shoulder, legs flailing loosely in the air.

It takes them a moment to realize that Eddie is watching them, and be doesn't blame them for getting caught up in all the fun they were having.

"Hi dad." as his son let's out another giggle as Bucks wurls his around another time.

Eddie shakes his head, but nevertheless, makes his way towards the kitchen.

"Did you brush your teeth yet." already pulling out a coffee mug from the cabinet. He turns, leaning on the counter behind him and looks up at his son. Giving them both a pointed look.

Chris nods his head.

Letting a low hum out, Eddie turns back around to face the sink. "Come have breakfast. Carla will be here in any minute." he says as he grabs out bowls for them to have cereal.

As Chris makes his way to the table, Buck comes up beside, leaning on the counter as he faces Eddie. The older man looks up at him in confusion. And Buck doesn't say anything. Just has a smile plastered on his face.

"What?" when Buck doesn't talk, Eddie decides that it is best to speak up.

Buck doesn't do anything. There's an opening and closing of his mouth for several seconds as to what Eddie can assume is him trying to find the words to say. And then he closes it.

In that moment, Eddie opts on speaking up but they are interrupted.

"I thought Carla was going to be here soon." Christopher chimes in. Both Buck and Eddie avert their attention to him.

"You're right." Buck starts. He takes this as the perfect opportunity to reach over. Gently, he takes the bowls from Eddie's hand, offering him a warm smile then makes his was to one of the empty seats around the table.

Eddie, shocked, stares at him for a moment but doesn't say anything. Instead he makes his way to the table as well.

“Which cereal do you want: cornflakes-”

“Cornflakes?” Buck doesn’t let Eddie finish his sentence. Now wearing wide eyes. “You eat cornflakes?”

Eddie furrows his eyebrows, looking over to his son beside him and then back up at him. “Yeah?” when he says it it’s more of a statement but it comes off sounding like a question.

Buck laughs, shaking his head. "Okay." he takes the cereal box from Eddie's hands, pouring himself a bowl "We better hurry up then. Don't wanna be late for work."

We. Eddie likes the sound of that.

So just like how they had set out, they eat breakfast. It's filled with their regular chatter just like always. Christopher talks about what the are doing in school, the projects that he has to do in class, which of course Buck promised to help him with- not that he actually needs his help because Chris is a smart kid, it's more for himself- but he doesn't seem to mind it every time when he does. Then effortlessly, just like always, the have the same routine to get ready for the day.

A knocking sound at the door catches their attention.

Making his way to open it, Eddie's face instantly lights up when he opens the door.

"Hey Carla." going in for a hug, melting into it just like always

She offers him a smile as she pulls back from him. "You look good." at the mention, she also turns her head to look at Buck behind them "The both of you."

"Thanks Carla."

She waves off his comment, telling him that it is no big deal. Moving past them by the door, she makes her way to the living room to Christopher.

"Hi buddy." she sets herself down beside him on the couch "Ready to have some fun?"

Christopher nods his head excitingly, smiling up at her.

Carla turns back to face the two of them by the front door. For a second she shares a look between the two of them, then she shakes her head; a smile plastered on her face. "You two have a good day at work." there's a hint of a tease in her voice.

Saying their thank you's and head out the door.

\---

"Hey." Hen calls as she approaches Eddie in the lounge area of the station. She takes a seat beside him "How have you been?"

"Good I guess." she laughs at the reply

"I guess." there's a sense of mockery in her tone but Eddie knows that she is only playing with him. "How was your weekend?"

Eddie let's a smile make it's way to his face, thinking about what him and his boys.

"Well, Buck came over and we all watched movies, played games, ate some food." he shrugs as though it is no big deal "Pretty much a regular weekend."

When he looks back at Hen, she is giving him a knowing look; one that he has seen too often.

She shakes her head at him and she places a comforting hand over his shoulder.

"Now, I know both of you have been through a lot, but I'm pretty sure you both know you deserve each other."

Eddie furrows his eyebrows at her in confusion.

"Me and Christopher?" Hen visibly rolls her eyes

"Man you guys are idiots." Eddie hears her mumble under her breath "I'm talking about you and Buck." and by the tone in her voice, it should've been the most obvious thing in the world.

Eddie already knows where this conversation is headed, so instead he decides to play dumb.

"What? We're just friends."

She raises her eyebrows as if to say that even he knows it's a lie.

"And I'm friends with Chimney, but you don't see me hanging out at his house every weekend."

"That's because you guys are always busy."

"And you don't think that Buck can be too?" she questions. Eddie let's his gaze fall, not being able to look her in the eyes.

Chim and Hen are friends. And of course they hang out when they can which is quite often anyway because they work together side by side. But it is true that they don't hang out as often.

Since him and Buck became friends, weekends turned into get togethers that were spent with Christopher. Eddie wouldn't change that for the world.

However, he has never thought about it in the sense that Buck could be busy doing his own thing.

"I guess I never really thought about that." he admits

"That's because you never had to. It was so normal for the both of you." she gives him a smile along with it "You guys are honestly oblivious."

He allows a smirk to make it's way to his lips.

Thankfully, gilling the awkwardness of the conversation, the alarm goes off. Finally being able to avoid having a rebuttal.

Which Eddie has to admit, he is thankful for.

\---

The whole day he has been thinking about what Hen said. It's not he doesn't think that they don't deserve each other, because they both of them have been through so much. But right now, with Buck in his living room, he decides to push all those thought aside. Reminding himself to get back to them later.

Eddie takes the empty seat beside him on the couch a little closer than usual but Buck doesn't seem to mind it.

He glances over at him, peering up to see him still looking down at his plate of food, moving it around as though he is full.

"Your thinking is loud."

"Is it really?" Buck teases as he turns to face him

Eddie nods in response. He crosses his arms, giving him what he knows Buck will call his 'dad look'.

He notices that Buck smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his lips like it usually does.

"Is something wrong?" his voice is calm when he says it. He knows that Buck usually has a lot to say but doesn't voice it.

Buck let's out a long sigh and it makes Eddie nervous but he can tell that Buck is nervous too. Whatever he is about to say seems to take him a while to formulate.

But eventually, he does.

"I like you."

There's a blank face on the other man, one that Buck can't quite read.

It makes him nervous not knowing what that face means, but it's definitely too late to turn back so. "And I know that we are just friends, and that we have those bro talks." it makes him cringe "And that we never really talk about us. It kills me when one second I think that you're flirting, and then the next, it's back to normal. But I truly do like you. And I have for a while now." it's not that strong of a finish, but it's the thought that counts.

There's a pause, and then-

"Oh."

Oh. Oh! He confesses his undying love for this man and all he has to say is oh. What does Oh mean?

"What do you mean 'oh'."

Eddie, letting his gaze fall, let's out a sigh. He can tell that it makes Buck nervous once again, but he doesn't interrupt him while he is thinking of what to say back to him. He just waits.

"I don't really- I don't know. Fuck." Eddie manages to say as he runs a frustrated hand through his hair.

It takes Buck aback, unsure of what to say.

"Is there something I said that was wrong or-"

Eddie shakes his head. "No you said nothing wrong."

Buck furrows his eyebrows at the comment. "Then what is it?"

The truth is Eddie doesn't know why he doesn't answer. He doesn't know why he isn't remotely happy about this. He should be, he supposes. His best friend just admitted his feelings for him and all he can say is oh and a few swear words at the most?

What kind of a person is he? Does he not deserve to say it back; admit his undying love for him too? Does he too not deserve happiness?

What the fuck is holding him back? What the fuck is he so afraid of?

"No." no?

And he notes the way that Buck physically moves back an inch. But he does nothing.

"No?" Buck echoes back, confusion evident in his voice. And quite frankly, he doesn't blame him for it.

For a moment he studies the look on Buck's face, the way that his expression has gone from caring to hurt. How he washed away all the good, all the happiness out of his face with just one word.

Eddie hates seeing him hurt like this. And all he wants to do is kiss the look off his face.

But why can't he?

It's like his brain is doing the talking for him.

"Things can't be like this." he starts

Stupid.

"We're just friends."

Fucking stupid.

"And you know it's true."

So fucking stupid.

And yet again, his brain does the talking for him. He tries to shut up but it's too late.

The thing is: he likes Buck. And not in a friend way but in more of a friend way.

He likes how caring he is and how he always goes out of his way for both him and Christopher when they need it, he likes that be can some how manage to contain such random facts in that brain of his that make everyone smile. He likes his stupid face, and his stupid fucking smile, and his stupid birthmark, and his stupid cocky ego. And for everything and more, he loves him.

He has never been able to truly avoid his feelings for him. And for every moment that they spend together, he can feel himself falling more in love with him.

But here he is. Ruining the little good that he has going for him once again.

Buck, not knowing what to say, turns in his seat, facing the television in front of them. He doesn't say anything, doesn't even move. There are tears welling in his eyes, making his vision blurry but he doesn't bother clearing them. Doesn't bother to wipe them away when they roll down his cheek.

Eddie turns to face him. Letting out a sigh.

"Buck, I-" he stops for a moment as he truly thinks over what he wants to say. What is he supposed to tell him? He likes him, and he can be with him.

Buck turns back to face him. Eyes rimmed red.

"I knew that this was stupid." he whispers as he fiddles with his hands in his lap. “I knew that I should have just kept it to myself and bottle up my feelings.” he lets out a wet chuckle, staring back down at his hands once again

And Eddie will not let Buck feel this way, quickly assuring him otherwise.

“It wasn’t stupid.” his voice is barely above a whisper, but it’s a good sign when Buck peers his head up slightly to look in his direction. Not quite in his eyes, but he’ll take it. “I don’t think it was stupid at all.” he mumbles

Buck tilts his head to the side, trying to grasp how any of what he is saying makes. “So, you don’t think it’s stupid but you also think that things are not supposed to be this way? Eddie, how does that make any sense?”

He had forever been longing for their eyes to meet, for the timelines to match up and that they would be able to be with one another. And when he finally is getting the opportunity to feel again, to feel as though he can be loved and spend his days with someone else who he loves, he turns it down.

He calls himself stupid for it, he calls himself an endless amount of swear words for his stupid fucking mistake. But just like always, even though he is trying so hard and he knows what he wants to say and do there is still a part of him that is telling him: he is undeserving.

Undeserving of love, undeserving of a relationship.

It's not that he wants to say no because he likes him just as much as he likes him too.

But maybe this is the way that things go. Maybe the people that have a hard time expressing themselves which had always been him, also have a hard time reacting to those who show affection.

So he repeats in his head:

You are deserving,

Don't push down your feelings for him,

Don't avoid it, don't avoid them, don't avoid it all.

Eddie tries really hard.

"Can we just forget about it." he whispers, getting up to place both of their plates in the sink. With his back turned away from Buck, he finally lets a breath out. "Please."

When he turns back to face Buck, still on the couch, he notices the way that he is staring at him. Eyebrows furrowed, confused look.

Buck drags out a long sigh. "I-" he glances back down to his hands that are clenching onto his jeans, then slowly holding Eddie's gaze once again. He shakes his head for a moment, then speaks up. "I don't know what to say."

Neither does Eddie.

"I think it's best if I get going." he admits, catching Eddie's attention, but he doesn't say anything.

With that, Buck gets up from the couch. Grabbing his keys from the table by the door and his jacket in the closet. He takes a moment to glance back at Eddie. He offers up a small smile that doesn't quite reach his lips.

And Eddie smiles back.

Then he closes the door and leaves.

A frustrated sigh leave his lips once the door lock closes. He runs his hands over his eyes, trying to keep the tears in. But he fails.

His parents always told him that he had to keep certain things in. That they didn't have to show that much emotion because it will make you weak. Constantly being reminded that showing how you feel or telling people what you are feeling needs to be avoided.

But he doesn't want to hide his feelings and he especially doesn't want to hide them when it comes to Buck.

And maybe that's what makes him a bad person.

\---

"I need time too."

The days that follow after that night are pretty quiet.

Most of the time Eddie finds himself in the locker room or in the gym on his spare time at work. Not that he is trying to hide away from the rest of the team.

And he's not entirely hiding from Buck.

But he is?

Eddie's had a lot of time to think about it, think about Buck, think about how they could be together, thinking about how he likes him too. Every single time that he does, it always results in dread, thinking about what they could've been. Not being able to hold back anymore, he is stood outside of Buck's loft. At first, he contemplates even knocking because he probably doesn't want to see him. But there would be absolutely no point in coming here to just stand in front of it and leave. So he knocks.

There are footsteps coming from the inside. They get louder and louder, until finally, it starts to open. “Hey.” Buck whispers in the doorway, perching himself up on the door frame.

Eddie follows the motion trying to keep his composure as best as he can. Trying really, really hard to be like how his parents taught him. To not cry, to not cry, to not cry. But as he stands in front of Buck, all he can think of doing is pouring his heart out: the exact opposite of what he's used to. "I don't think I'm good enough." it hurts to say when it makes it's way past his lips. But he has been holding on to his doubt for so long.

Eddie starts to feel hands in his, grabbing it as they make the way up the stairs of the other man's apartment.

Buck situates the both of them on his bed. He carefully sits in front of Eddie. He takes a moment, biting his lip, and softly, cupping his hands around Eddie's cheeks. It feels warm.

"You're good enough to me." he whispers. There isn't any hint of a lie in his voice, and it makes Eddie light. Buck runs a soft hand along his cheek as he starts to wipe away at the stray tears "You are good enough to Christopher, you are good enough to Hen, to Chimney, to Bobby, to Athena. To everyone, Eddie. I need for you to know that because it is true and you should never have to think otherwise."

Eddie sniffs in for a moment, locking eyes once again with Buck.

Good enough.

Truly taking in the younger man's words, it all starts to make sense.

Avoidance is something that human beings do because, sometimes, they are afraid of facing the truth. The truth can be scary, and for most, avoiding seems like the way to go. But avoidance will get you nowhere, and Eddie out of all people had to learn that the hard way.

With Shannon, he couldn't exactly pinpoint the exact moment that their relationship had shifted. He knows that there was a point in time that he was deeply in love with her, and he probably will always and forever be some where in his heart. But he always felt himself holding back.

With Buck, it's different because Buck is different. He doesn't care who Eddie is and even though they have been through a lot, he always has his back.

Those thoughts in his head telling him that he was unworthy of loving and that he had to avoid how he felt might have stemmed from a few things. But right now, with the man that he is so deeply in love with him, sitting across from him on his bed, he choses to not ignore his feelings.

Finally choosing to voice them.

"I like you too." it's barely above a whisper, but Buck listens in intently "And I know that you said it before, and I went on about how we were just friends." Buck nods his head "I had been so used to bottling up my emotions that when you actually told me that you liked me I didn't know how to react."

Eddie starts to feel hot tears streaming down his cheeks once again, but he doesn't mind it.

"I guess I felt as though I wasn't deserving of love. I mean, in every relationship that I have been, it feels as though everyone else is always the one putting in the work and that I don't give enough back." he shrugs his shoulders as he bites the inside of his cheek.

"And what is enough anyway?"

Eddie raises his eyebrows at the question, opening and closing his mouth to try and find an answer. But in all honesty, he doesn't actually know.

"What?"

Buck drops his hand to Eddie's lap starting to intertwine their hands together. "Who said that you weren't giving enough anyway?" he repeats the question and still, Eddie isn't entirely sure what he is trying to say

"You're gonna need to elaborate on what that means." he laughs, which causes Buck to laugh as well

"What I mean is, who said that there was a certain way to give in a relationship? Maybe you do give enough, but to you, your enough is not enough in your eyes. But Eddie," he places his spare hand under his chin, making him have eye contact with him "I can promise you that you are doing enough, and that you have always been doing enough. You just need to see that you are too."

And if he wasn't smiling before, Eddie is definitely smiling now.

There's a story about how sometimes in order for you to move on, you have to look at what you’ve done in the past to overcome your struggles.

Although that can mean an ump amount of things: trauma, misunderstandings; achievements.

So maybe, in order to move on and to feel as though he is deserving of love, to move on from his past relationship and what it had brought him, all it takes is a different mindset.

A different new.

"I'm afraid." and he doesn't care that it makes him weak for saying so, or that his parents might think that he shouldn't voice said feelings, but it's how he truly feels. "I'm really fucking scared Buck."

"I know." Buck replies. He leans forward, placing his forehead against Eddie's. Eddie allows himself to take a breath in of his scent.

He feels at home with him.

"Sometimes being scared tells us that we are in the right place. That the fear that you feel isn't necessarily a bad thing, but good." he continues "But I love you enough to never stop trying. Even through the doubts that you might encounter."

Eddie smiles at him.

Leaning back, he let's his back fall onto the sheets underneath him. Softly but surely, he wraps his spare arm around him; bringing Buck in closer as though that was even humanly possible at this point. He allows his head to rest on the other man's chest. His heart beat is loud, thumping against his ear as it creates a rhythm along with it.

Maybe this is it, he supposes.

With him now laying with Buck alongside him, he truly thinks of everything. And although everything is a loose term, he still can't help but think about the now. The past. The future, and what it may hold for them. For their family.

But right now right here, cuddled up in the arms of the man that has helped both him and his son through so much. Who has been by his side since day one. He can't help but wonder what this means for them. Means for him.

But maybe it is not possible to know everything, and while that is true, the thought of the unknown will always scare him. Inevitably scaring most.

Eddie is done avoiding his thoughts, his feelings, his doubts. Because he too knows that it will tear him apart and break him down to the point where he will always blame himself for feeling a certain way. Or acting the way he does, or the actions that result in pain.

So yes,

"I just don't know anymore."

and,

"I think we need a divorce."

Will always ring through out his head. But it's also,

"I miss you."

and forever,

"I love you."

And quite frankly, Eddie is done feeling like he isn't deserving of love. Done with trying to ruin the little good he has because he feels as though he is unworthy of it because of what he has been through.

So, he is done avoiding those thoughts.

And he sure as hell is not planning on avoiding his feelings for Evan Buckley.

Eddie Diaz is deserving of love; and quite honestly, he always has been.

And it was meant to happen.


End file.
